is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's rum buckets o'clock
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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