You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
