Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
