mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
