cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
