I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
