I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
