Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
