i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
