pop tarts are not kleenex
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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