I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize