Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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