just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
