I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
