My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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