I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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