i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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