I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My vagina is officially offended.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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