Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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