I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
