I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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