Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
