Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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