I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
