the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
