when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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