when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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