upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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