Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
