i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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