You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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