don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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