yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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