I wish my penis had an off switch
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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