you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
this boner is exhausting
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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