everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
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