Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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