The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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