I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My dick has a subreddit
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
