i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
