I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
