The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
