if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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