our cab driver is having phone sex.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
