My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Drunk is not a location!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize