i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
