she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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