i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This toilet bowl is my home.
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