chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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