We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
