i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
