bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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