You just made me feel so damn special
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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