there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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