I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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