I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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