Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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