it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
did i just pee glitter
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
