My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
